aens_wife wrote:I feel like I am losing my mind. Between work being crazy and having three teens/pre-teens, I don't have a lot of extra energy.
Yesterday, I found out that a close friend of mine was raped by her current partner. This partner has been abusive over the last few months and she won't leave him. No matter what I say. No matter how many logical points I make, she won't leave.
I've known her since I was 13 years old and it is breaking my heart. I can't help her and it is breaking my heart.
I don't know what to do next.
I know exactly how you feel and it fucking sucks bad. My aunt is a abuse victim and was actively abused for 25 years by her still husband. He raped her, beat her, starved her and did just about anything and everything you could think possible to her including bringing her to the brink of death several times. She never pressed charges and still to this day, will not divorce him. She finally separated, but won't divorce. It's against God's law for her. Right. Clearly someone wasn't paying attention when they were reading their bible.
Both of my sisters were raped. My youngest sister was raped when she was 15-16 and she would not tell me who did it. I look all over to find who I thought did it because I was going to kill the motherfucker. I didn't know what else I could do. It felt like that's the only route to take to bring true justice. I still don't know really who it was and where they are. She doesn't talk about it.
My other (older sister), never talked about it.
My friend April was gang raped while I was in town in the Ozarks with her as well. I dropped her off to hang out with what I thought were friends and then found her walking in the rain hours later. She told me what had happened and I tried to go back but she said they all had guns and there were like 10 of them. It was just me and her there, I knew no one else. She wouldn't let me call the police, she wouldn't let me go back to do anything or try, and she was drunk out of her mind trying to kill herself. So, I spent my evening with her trying so hard to get her to not take her own life. She tried to jump out of my care while I was doing 70 mph at one point. It was horrible and I felt helpless.
Seeing people you love being hurt is the absolute worst. It sucks even more when you know what will help them, they know what will help them bu they won't fucking do it. Something stops them. I don't get it and probably never will.
When working with an abuse victim recently through a local organization (I rented to a woman who was abused for a LONG time), I discovered some startling things about abuse victims I never knew. A lot of them go back no matter what, it's almost like they are mentally damaged beyond repair and cannot move past that point. They stop growing as people and just survive. For the program I was using, they had to be at least 6 years abuse free. Interesting concept right? They have to be free of abuse for 6 years, like abuse is a choice. Apparently it can be in some cases. Who would choose to be abused though? Or to not stop it? When the fear is there, I guess a lot of people (mostly women) do just that. They are more afraid of their abuser than anything else that this world could do to them.
She was an extremely broken women, I tried to help her the best I could doing things way above and beyond anything a normal landlord would do, and it didn't help. She decided to drop the program, break her lease, stiff me on money and run off to another state. Why? I think it's because of that abused mentality. They don't know how to live life as an adult after they escape.
So, Louise, if I were you and I knew the abuse was going on, I would tell the authorities. They may not be able to do anything right then and there, but they will keep an eye on them and if they get a call there, they will treat situations differently. I've been there with that as well with friends. Do it anonymously if you're afraid of hurting your friend.
There's also the good old fashioned threat of physical harm to the other party. I know it sounds petty and counter productive but sometimes it fucking works. One of my uncle's student (Karate), who we all loved and adored was being abused and she was fucking second degree black belt. Well within her ability to stop all harm being done to her. Her husband had zero fighting skill but had a mental hold on her. My uncle found out about it and he and about 10 other guys went to their house one night. She was NEVER abused again and he granted her a divorce and has not bothered or harassed her since. Obviously that's an extreme solution, but sometimes extreme is the answer.
I'd start with the law though. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll pray for your friend and yourself.
y'all