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ME: No matter how much I work at it I can't find meaning in my life
THERAPIST: You need to find a way to become interested in new things
ME: No shit Mark. Are you fucking kidding me?

I've about had it with formal treatment for chronic depression. It all amounts to someone telling you to stop having the symptoms you don't have control over, and drugs that make you too numb to kill yourself but also too numb to care about anything.

My girl keeps going on about how everything's BEWITCHED! so I guess there's a psychic flow of spooky vision kids are tuned in on for the upcomming holidays^^^

Tis the season

friendship wrote:ME: No matter how much I work at it I can't find meaning in my life
THERAPIST: You need to find a way to become interested in new things
ME: No shit Mark. Are you fucking kidding me?

I've about had it with formal treatment for chronic depression. It all amounts to someone telling you to stop having the symptoms you don't have control over, and drugs that make you too numb to kill yourself but also too numb to care about anything.

I feel you. Lately I've been spending more time alone in headphones with my dogs. It's been helping a ton just walking or skating with them. They both get it and it's hard to watch them look at me like trying to figure out what mood I'm in. But they have both just resorted to laying on me whenever they can. My little girl tries to lick my face constantly.

Dunno if you have pets but they are my only saving grace at the moment. Whenever I try to "get religion" like my brother recommends, I ending up looking at a picture of Lemmy dressed as Jesus.

friendship wrote:

neonblack wrote:
He did wake up the other day and say "MY SCHOOL IS A GHOST!" and he keeps talking about a ghost boy and a wolf outside the house. Not sure what all that means haha.

He's gonna be Alright.

honestly i'd stay the fuck on top of what is going through his mind. make sure he's doing alright everyday. don't over coddle or seem overly concerned. but speaking from my own experience, this could really fuck him up. i'd hate for another a kid who didn't deserve to have his mother x him out of her life be all messed up emotionally and mentally. fuck, same goes for you, you didn't deserve any of this neon. but it happened. and it happened to my dad and i, we didn't do anything to wrong my mother but she hates our guts. my anxiety and trust issues all go back to my parents.

it's just too easy to relate to this.

and friendship. as for your therapy situation. as crazy as this sounds. give them the impression you're working with them when they try to make a suggestion that seems useless. ask them "how?" and if they're really good they'll help you find your own answer. if not find a new dr. seriously.

I'm gonna vent here since I'm a stranger and it's easy to vent to other strangers. My wife is 32 and has breast cancer, has gone through chemo and surgery, and is now beginning radiation and physical therapy. Two large masses removed from her breasts and a dozen lymph nodes removed. Recovery has been rough, and after the lumpectomy and reconstruction she hates her "new" body, hates the fact that she's involuntarily being thrown into menopause for the next 5-10 years due to continuing drug routine, and hates the fact she had no choice in the lymph nodes being removed from her arm increasing her risk of life long lymphadema issues.

I had cancer 3 years ago and it was hell but I'd do it again in a goddamn minute in her place if I could.

We both had fucked up childhoods, raised by kind but fucked up parents. When I finished my cancer treatments things were looking up. We both had good jobs, a new place, in a good city. I crawled my way out of medical debt, bought my first ever car at 35, and got a great job offer. Things were looking fucking stable for us, for the first time ever for either of us. We were both really excited to be alive and thriving and ready for the future.

Then cancer came back into the picture in my partner and I can't do anything about it. I'm a network engineer, I fix things for a living. I repair things. I correct things. I certainly can't complain about me having cancer, I smoked and drank and abused drugs and worked in hazardous environments all through my teens and twenties, just a typical self-destructive punk rock kid. I wasn't really surprised, but it still sucked. My wife though is a saint. Clean, healthy, and mindful; her cancer is not even genetic. It's just "unfortunate" as people have told us as they shake their heads in dismay upon learning we just went through this with me 3 years ago.

Couple all that with an immense amount of work stress involving big dollar projects with tight timeframes and a lot of people involved (project managers out there will know what I'm saying), and I'm just plain dead inside. Some days I'd rather just step out into traffic than deal with everything. It's tough being a caretaker for an adult, I don't know how people with small children do it.

On the plus side, I've written the best music of my life in the last few months.

That's all, thanks for letting me vent.

All the best to you and yours. Fuck cancer. Welcome.

Aghartha - sending you and yours peace and healing. I watched my MIL go through treatment for breast cancer and it was not easy. In moments like this, one foot in front of the other is the only way out.

That is awful, Aghartha. I know what it is like, and I wouldn't wish that for my worst enemy. All the best.

Sorry Aghartha. i hear you about being a caretaker. It's so hard. I had to take care of my wife and one of boys last summer. It really sucked, and my work suffered. I was fortunate to have an understanding manager who let me do a lot my work from home.

But I gained about 50 pounds. I did not do a good job at self care, that's for sure, but I didn't feel like I had time. I'm glad you have an outlet--that's really important. I hope you have someone to talk to as well. Keep on keeping on man.

Thanks y'all. It was nice to write that all out after keeping it bottled up.

OldGeorge wrote: I feel you. Lately I've been spending more time alone in headphones with my dogs. It's been helping a ton just walking or skating with them. They both get it and it's hard to watch them look at me like trying to figure out what mood I'm in. But they have both just resorted to laying on me whenever they can. My little girl tries to lick my face constantly.

Dunno if you have pets but they are my only saving grace at the moment. Whenever I try to "get religion" like my brother recommends, I ending up looking at a picture of Lemmy dressed as Jesus.

I get to pet a cat when I come home from work so that's pretty cool.

waltdogg wrote:
and friendship. as for your therapy situation. as crazy as this sounds. give them the impression you're working with them when they try to make a suggestion that seems useless. ask them "how?" and if they're really good they'll help you find your own answer. if not find a new dr. seriously.

I do usually ask for practical advice. This time it was "go for more walks," which I do quite a bit of already. The trouble is I get physically/emotionally exhausted so it becomes progressively harder to take the action I need. It's like all the tools that you need to fight depression are the very ones that become inaccessible to you because of the depression. And it's just getting more and more frustrating as the years go on.

Aghartha wrote:Thanks y'all. It was nice to write that all out after keeping it bottled up.

also

This goes pretty well with medical marijuana:

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as does this:

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