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Seconds away from:

Thanks for all the support guys. I think the using thing was a knee jerk reaction you know? I have been having a mental break down every single day since the hospital visit. It like I cannot keep it together no matter how hard I try. The last time was just so damn hard you know?

Anyway, things got delayed and now I'm not even leaving until Sunday evening, which sucks for multiple reasons. Almost a full week to stress and I just sent out an order I was working on because I thought I was leaving today. So money lost on that end, but honestly, I don't think I could have focused regardless. So maybe it was for the best.

My wife has been amazing through all of this and she's going through a different type of hard time. Her parents are getting divorced Friday. It's her moms 4th divorce and my father in law is a great man, but she's a great woman too. It's just one of those cases of them simply not getting along and feeling it anymore even after 25 years.

My brother is also in the divorce process currently after 6 years of marriage and two kids.

Life feels like a bit of a fucking mess right now.

I'm grateful I have some kind of support system here and like I said, my wife has really helped me. She's the best woman a guy could ask for.

Fuck man, I'm sorry to come back and read all of that.

Good vibes and best wishes.

Man, wish I could hop over there and grab a coffee with ya. Hope you get some relief soon—it's all gonna be ok.

to you man, family health issues are the worst.

My life is a fucking mess right now. The only thing I hate more than NJ is my current job, and updating my LinkedIn feels like a futile gesture to avoid failure. My job loves making it abundantly clear that they don't give a shit they underpay significantly, and that'll they'll never promote me or recognize me.

I'm fucking addicted to playing video games as well. I don't even know what withdrawal is like because all I do, the second I get out of work, is play video games. I don't even enjoy it anymore, it's just what I do to pass time as the only social activity I have with people that aren't my family. It feels like a chore to study for certifications or even to study Japanese anymore. I don't feel like getting new music for my distro even though it's something I know I love.

I've been trying to change my outlook on life since March but I just feel like Sisyphus. All movement is wasted and I'm better off dead.

Strange Tales wrote:All movement is wasted and I'm better off dead.

No you're not. Best wishes to all of you!

Strange Tales wrote: My life is a fucking mess right now. The only thing I hate more than NJ is my current job, and updating my LinkedIn feels like a futile gesture to avoid failure. My job loves making it abundantly clear that they don't give a shit they underpay significantly, and that'll they'll never promote me or recognize me.

I'm fucking addicted to playing video games as well. I don't even know what withdrawal is like because all I do, the second I get out of work, is play video games. I don't even enjoy it anymore, it's just what I do to pass time as the only social activity I have with people that aren't my family. It feels like a chore to study for certifications or even to study Japanese anymore. I don't feel like getting new music for my distro even though it's something I know I love.

I've been trying to change my outlook on life since March but I just feel like Sisyphus. All movement is wasted and I'm better off dead.

You have all this awesome gear though and technical know how! Put the games away and start doing some modular jamz man! Even if it's only like an hour a day it's a start! I need to start doing the same with just my dirt pedals let alone my other stuff. NJ BROS 4 LYFE *fistpump *drive to deejays *get tans

LinkedIn is like...the lamest thing ever...ever. So I can't knock anyone for complaining about it. You already have to work for a living, the least people can do is not pretend they enjoy indentured servitude. I remember when I got hired my boss said I had to get a LinkedIN and my reaction was more or less this...



But yeah in the context of everything...thoughts are with you jwar. You're tough, you're the man, you can get through this!

Wow...jwar, Strange Tales, waltdog, and anyone else who needs in I am definitely wishing you all the best. Hang in there, people.

When you're blowing ashes and tobacco off your desk, but don't see the ashtray right in front of you It's not the first time either.

^ username checks out

Life does seem pointless at some times to me. That's why I need companionship. Perhaps friendship is your answer Strange Tales. You'll have to venture outside of your comfort zone a bit, but that's part of the challenge. I've gone through the same thing and I have people around me. I feel lonely even in a crowded room. It sucks. Therapy is something I'm going to start up again. By that I mean, going to I'm going to go to a psychologist again. My wife is insisting and I need it. I know I do. Just some food for thought perhaps?



About my dad.

So the doctors at MD Anderson are saying they don't believe he needs to come in now. I'm beside myself at this moment and don't know how to feel. I just booked my flight yesterday and it wasn't cheap. 380 for a one way. Luckily that was refundable, but the money isn't the issue. The issue is that this mass is something they'd seen on several prior scans, but it has gotten a bit bigger. Why the doctors don't want to perform their own exam and why my father is content with this...the answers are beyond me. I'm rack with uncertainty, stress, sadness, fear, anger and frustration. I don't know what to do. I can't convince him to go and if the doctors don't believe he needs it, then insurance won't pay for it. So what the fuck. He has another appointment in November. I just pray it's not worse by then or before them. It's in his fucking airway for crying out loud. Why on earth...I just can't...fucking stupid motherfuckers. It would make everyone who cares about him feel so much better. I just don't get it.

When I found out my mom had cancer, it was in her lungs. Thing is, it started in her colon, 3 years earlier, and she knew and didn't tell me. By the time she was dying it was in her brain. Parents are a motherfucking mystery sometimes. It can be infuriating as fuck, but we just have to accept them and try to be a good influence when we can.

John wrote:When I found out my mom had cancer, it was in her lungs. Thing is, it started in her colon, 3 years earlier, and she knew and didn't tell me. By the time she was dying it was in her brain. Parents are a motherfucking mystery sometimes. It can be infuriating as fuck, but we just have to accept them and try to be a good influence when we can.

I'm so sorry man.

My dad hid his the first time around by not showing anyone the growth on his neck. It was always well hidden because he always wears a coat (like always) with the collar up.


My brother in law's mother passed away from colon cancer and she didn't tell her kids until after treatment. She lived in Israel, so it was even worse. She came over here to visit him, then went home and died. Extremely sad.


Yea I don't get the hiding thing either. I hope I'm not like that ever with my kids.

Hugs to y'all struggling. My life is a sedentary compost pile (when I am not playing), but actually just being alive is pretty cool, I have to remind myself.

This weekend I was driving like hell to catch the ferry to the rehearsal space, but missed it and had to turn back to drive over a mountain to the next port. On the way there.. I hit a deer. I'm ok but the front of the car is all crumpled up. The deer died instantly, flew off the road with a broken neck... I sat with it while it bled out and called the game authority to come and pick it up. After that I drove my smoking car (busted radiator) back home and borrowed my mom's car to go back and catch the next ferry. A bit shaken but drinking & playing got me right again.

Hahaha
Cry
Hahaha
Realize I might need some therapy