Fuck man. Hope everyone is ok in Belgium.
So I've had a fairly shit week.
Found out from my girlfriend that my sisters, and to a lesser extent my parents, feel like they barely even know me since I don't really talk to any of them / relate to them at all. The ironic thing about that is I've been distancing myself from them on purpose due to most of them (except for my youngest sister) having issues and being negative when I just don't want to be around that. So I guess the fucked up thing is by cutting myself out of their lives, I've done more harm than good.
It kinda pisses me off really. I'm just trying to stay healthy mentally and I can't really do that while dealing / listening to various personal issues they all have. And somehow I'm the bad guy for trying to be ok? All I want is to be happy and be left alone. I don't understand how that makes me a monster.
So now I'm at a weird cross point where I'm going back and forth between "ok, maybe I am in the wrong", "no, FUCK THEM. I AM A VICTIM. I'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH" and....not so healthy personal thoughts. Just, not really ok mentally atm.
I've also been sort of re-evaluating my stance on religion. I gave up Christianity years ago. Kept praying for things to get better and things got worse. Now though, with things in my life being so fucked up and wrestling with my personal demons, I've started praying again. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing really. Part of me feels weak for going back to believing, another part of me is comforted for accepting god as a thing again. I dunno. I feel like its important to have some sort of rooting factor in life. I don't ever plan on going to church again, but that doesn't mean I can't identify with a higher power yea? I dunno. Its just frustrating cause it goes against all my personal beliefs I've built up towards religion, but doesn't feel wrong. just confusing I guess.
Adding to the sadpudding mix, my job got robbed today. Tweaked out dude came in asking for free food, I told him no. He didn't back down, still said no. Ended up sitting for a hour close to the register staring at me.... He tried hassling a customer for money and I told him to get the fuck out and I was done with his bullshit. Once he left, I was apologizing to the customer in question when he came back in saying I said shit about his family and jumped behind the register trying to attack me.
I wanna say this is the part where I grabbed something sharp and when postal on his tweaker ass. But I didn't I ran to the back like a bitch and called the cops while locked in the managers office.
I wasn't really thinking of myself when I ran. I was thinking more of what would happen to my family if something happened to me. Doesn't make me feel like any less of a bitch.
After the cops came and took my statement, I told my boss I'd had enough, clocked out and went home. I'm gonna look for a new job somewhere else. Possibly a coffee shop up the street that has security and is technically in the business area of town. Anywhere but here. I'm not risking my life at a damn fast food joint.
Oh and my wallet is missing on pay day.
Somebody shoot me.
