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I have this unshakable feeling that I just don't fit in anywhere. I don't talk to my parents or my siblings. I don't have friends. I feel like an alien.

My girlfriend woke me up to talk this evening. Basically, I'm not pleasant to be around, I'm like a ghost, and it is bringing her down. I tried therapy and it fucked me up more than I was before. The anti-depressants, of which I tried 4, all wrecked me. I'm just not engaged in life. I don't know. I'm tired of posting this. I'm tired of feeling this. I have to force myself to impersonate being a person, but it isn't working apparently. I'm sorry I'm tired all the time. I'm sorry I'm sad. I'm sorry my dick doesn't work. I'm sorry that I am this person I am. I feel like Gregor Samsa, but it increasingly feels like I was always a vermin and never really a man.

chuckjaywalk wrote:I have this unshakable feeling that I just don't fit in anywhere. I don't talk to my parents or my siblings. I don't have friends. I feel like an alien.

My girlfriend woke me up to talk this evening. Basically, I'm not pleasant to be around, I'm like a ghost, and it is bringing her down. I tried therapy and it fucked me up more than I was before. The anti-depressants, of which I tried 4, all wrecked me. I'm just not engaged in life. I don't know. I'm tired of posting this. I'm tired of feeling this. I have to force myself to impersonate being a person, but it isn't working apparently. I'm sorry I'm tired all the time. I'm sorry I'm sad. I'm sorry my dick doesn't work. I'm sorry that I am this person I am. I feel like Gregor Samsa, but it increasingly feels like I was always a vermin and never really a man.

Sell everything. Travel. See where you end up. Fuck it.

UglyCasanova wrote:Sell everything. Travel. See where you end up. Fuck it.

That's how I ended up here.

I tried to be more motivated today. I slept too long, but I did the dishes.

Last night, when I got to work, I was informed that a woman had died on the premises. I was already depressed, so I just avoided the floor all night. Tonight, I was called over to where she died to help with the final walkthrough. I opened up machines by the area she died in. She had an aneurysm while playing a slot machine and vomited blood over a wide area. People pushed and shoved each other and her to get away. It was everywhere: the carpet, on machines, on players. It took upwards of 4 hours to clean everything. The first machine I opened had a small puddle of congealed blood in it. This woman died terrified and in agony on the floor of a casino, while people either shrieked or continued playing.

Dude, that completely sucks on every level,
Sometimes people are so disappointing,

fuck heroin. 2 of my best friends are stuck on that shit and last night I learned my homie who passed a couple of days ago overdosed on it.... pawned his strat and orange for his last fix.... this guy was a prodigy. i hate the beatles but everyone said he was another john lennon. just ridiculously talented in every way. his mother found the ticket in his pocket and was able to get them back. it was so crushing being up there feeling his strat, his worn and torn orange combo with his music in the background. it's hard to accept. chasing that fucking dragon.

So sorry, dude. I've been there too many times.

That's so shitty. I'm saddened to say that I've been there as well. That feeling of sorrow and anger...fuck, wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Woke up sick and had to call into work. This is the first time I've ever had to call in in the over 7 months of working there. Now I'm afraid that I'm going to start feeling better and feel guilty that I gave myself a three day weekend.

I really hate taking off work because I'm sick. I'm a super trooper when it comes to that sort of thing, but I was a bit pukey a few minutes ago and that's my line. Also, it's probably best I'm not spreading my germs all over the office.

We had all three of our dogs in the back of the car today. One threw up and one got diarrhea. We were stuck in traffic of 30 minutes. Spent two hours cleaning the car and showering the dogs. It was pretty shitty.

Ughhhh, DTP is playing in Sydney and I reaaaaaaaaaally can't be fucked driving the 2 hours to get there. Also, Periphery is opening which, ya know... isn't fun.

I have wasted my weekend feeling like I'm coming down with something and trying to rest/sleep it off so I can power through my fucking ten hour day tomorrow.
My wife has gone out for her birthday for a girl's night and I'm sort of dreading doing the kid thing on my own, I just don't have the energy. We have nothing to eat in the house either and a mountain of mess to clean by Tuesday because our lessors popped an inspection notice on us on Friday, not the legal notice time either.
I'm pretty much arriving at "fuck it" as the answer to all my problems.

No matter how much I like playing and owning cheap Gibsons. I fucking hate that company. I ordered a new switch washer for my older Les Paul coz it was all scratched from tightening the switch. I got the replacement in the mail today, a genuine Gibson part yadda, yadda, yadda. And the screening of Rhythm/Treble just looks like shit. The words are blotty and not centered. The screening on the older switch washer that's scratched and scuffed looks better.