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chuckjaywalk wrote:My son turns 3 on the 16th. It marks a year since I saw him last and I don't know when I will see him again. He lives halfway across the country and I can't go. I get to Skype with him Monday, which I'm sure will leave me catatonic, but I am trying not to get anxious beforehand. I love him so much, more than I love anything or anyone else in the world, but he is a thorn in my heart, a daily reminder of who I am. Of my failings, of my weakness, of the monstrosity I have inflicted on everyone around me. I love him and it hurts.

That's heart wrenching, man. I hope you have a good Skype call and remember that time can change things.

PanicProne: You too, man. I've lost two friends to drugs and one to suicide. As much as it sucks, it's really not your fault, however sad it might be. All you can do is try to help. Nothing else.

UglyCasanova wrote:

chuckjaywalk wrote:My son turns 3 on the 16th. It marks a year since I saw him last and I don't know when I will see him again. He lives halfway across the country and I can't go. I get to Skype with him Monday, which I'm sure will leave me catatonic, but I am trying not to get anxious beforehand. I love him so much, more than I love anything or anyone else in the world, but he is a thorn in my heart, a daily reminder of who I am. Of my failings, of my weakness, of the monstrosity I have inflicted on everyone around me. I love him and it hurts.

That's heart wrenching, man. I hope you have a good Skype call and remember that time can change things.

PanicProne: You too, man. I've lost two friends to drugs and one to suicide. As much as it sucks, it's really not your fault, however sad it might be. All you can do is try to help. Nothing else.

Just thinking about it makes me cry. Sometimes, I wish I was the person my ex-wife thinks I am, so I could just forget and not care. But I'm not. I care so much that it kills me.

UglyCasanova wrote:PanicProne: You too, man. I've lost two friends to drugs and one to suicide. As much as it sucks, it's really not your fault, however sad it might be. All you can do is try to help. Nothing else.

yeah this is a very good thing to keep in mind, even though it's a shitty situation.

@CJW: that's brutal dude, I'm sorry to hear that.

Sometimes, these nights are too long and my mind too busy. Not enough content, not enough to read. Not enough contact. I listen to my coworker watch Daredevil and nurse a Mountain Dew. I want something, I just don't know what. Breath in, breath out.

Thanks for the support, ILFers!
I kinda know it's not down to me, but it's nice to hear it from someone else. It just sucks that I'm feeling so good overall myself, that you can't cough the feeling over on people around you.

And Chuck! Hang in there!
And if you're having trouble sleeping. Try writing it down, sometimes that helps. To move the information from your brain out onto paper. Stay strong!

chuckjaywalk wrote: I listen to my coworker watch Daredevil and nurse a Mountain Dew.

So it's probably the TV show and not the movie but if it was the movie this might be the saddest thing in this thread.

Geez, I go to order some coffee beans for work and I find that the website literally has 10 different coarseness options. If you're really that picky, just carry a coffee grinder around.

I'm just left with total analysis paralysis and I don't want to be that guy that asks for help. Because they're fucking coffee beans.

So, I didn't get to talk to my son Monday. He and his mother were at the beach when I called. She emailed when they got home, but I had already cried myself to sleep. I work graveyard, so when they didn't answer at 4, I had been up almost 24 hours. I didn't get the email until close to midnight. Tuesday, I went to Target and bought him some birthday presents. I spent too much, but I wanted to do my best to give him a happy birthday. I didn't make it out of the store without weeping in the card aisle and checkout line.

got home and the light didn't come on in the refrigerator. None of the lights came on. The power was cut off. We have only lived in our house for 6 weeks. How does the power get cut off? I will skip the details, but basically, the post office has not been delivering our bills and mail, but our packages come through fine. The bills I pay, I pay online, so I never noticed. My girlfriend has been fit to be tied. She called the power company and basically, we can't have the power turned on without $1200. We don't have an extra $1200. Luckily, she was able to borrow it from a friend, but it is heartbreaking. We spent last night playing cards by candlelight. It will snow this weekend. I just want to live a peaceful life, but I can't.

chuckjaywalk wrote:So, I didn't get to talk to my son Monday. He and his mother were at the beach when I called. She emailed when they got home, but I had already cried myself to sleep. I work graveyard, so when they didn't answer at 4, I had been up almost 24 hours. I didn't get the email until close to midnight. Tuesday, I went to Target and bought him some birthday presents. I spent too much, but I wanted to do my best to give him a happy birthday. I didn't make it out of the store without weeping in the card aisle and checkout line.

got home and the light didn't come on in the refrigerator. None of the lights came on. The power was cut off. We have only lived in our house for 6 weeks. How does the power get cut off? I will skip the details, but basically, the post office has not been delivering our bills and mail, but our packages come through fine. The bills I pay, I pay online, so I never noticed. My girlfriend has been fit to be tied. She called the power company and basically, we can't have the power turned on without $1200. We don't have an extra $1200. Luckily, she was able to borrow it from a friend, but it is heartbreaking. We spent last night playing cards by candlelight. It will snow this weekend. I just want to live a peaceful life, but I can't.

So sorry for all of this, Chuck. It is of course of no consolation, but your second paragraph was so very Hemingway, and it was very beautiful.

"We spent last night playing cards by candlelight. It will snow this weekend. I just want to live a peaceful life, but I can't."

spacelordmother wrote:

chuckjaywalk wrote:So, I didn't get to talk to my son Monday. He and his mother were at the beach when I called. She emailed when they got home, but I had already cried myself to sleep. I work graveyard, so when they didn't answer at 4, I had been up almost 24 hours. I didn't get the email until close to midnight. Tuesday, I went to Target and bought him some birthday presents. I spent too much, but I wanted to do my best to give him a happy birthday. I didn't make it out of the store without weeping in the card aisle and checkout line.

got home and the light didn't come on in the refrigerator. None of the lights came on. The power was cut off. We have only lived in our house for 6 weeks. How does the power get cut off? I will skip the details, but basically, the post office has not been delivering our bills and mail, but our packages come through fine. The bills I pay, I pay online, so I never noticed. My girlfriend has been fit to be tied. She called the power company and basically, we can't have the power turned on without $1200. We don't have an extra $1200. Luckily, she was able to borrow it from a friend, but it is heartbreaking. We spent last night playing cards by candlelight. It will snow this weekend. I just want to live a peaceful life, but I can't.

So sorry for all of this, Chuck. It is of course of no consolation, but your second paragraph was so very Hemingway, and it was very beautiful.

"We spent last night playing cards by candlelight. It will snow this weekend. I just want to live a peaceful life, but I can't."

Thank you for the kind words. It actually means a lot. We had to borrow a grand from her best friend, but the power will be back on tonight.

All the best to you, man.

Lights are on and the day is saved. I'm back at work. I'm like a ghost, but I am here, alone in my little IT closet, drinking bottled water. Bob Mould keeps me company until 4.

Baton Rouge is breaking up. There is nothing good in the world and everything sucks.

snipelfritz wrote:Fourth of six overnight shifts in a row almost done. Getting a bit burnt out.

This flooding in South Carolina equals lots of potential work for company and lots of work for me. Plus preparing for recording next week. If someone wakes me up while I sleep today (which I fear might happen), I'll likely become physically violent with them.

Wait are you coming to south carolina????

No. I work pitter pattering at a computer. I don't actually go to any work sites. What do you think I am, some blue collar shlub?

I'd like to travel though. I could use a vacation.