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Ancient Astronaught wrote:I wish I could get out, to take in the little things and get some perspective. But if I leave It's usually requested that I come back as soon as possible if she doesn't immediately think that I'm leaving to try and avoid her. It honestly feels as if she doesn't want me to enjoy anything in life because she feels she gets no joy out of life and the things in her life cause her stress and depression. It's a fucked up situation.

I am usually a very positive person, and even thats been a angle of argument. I try and maintain a positive outlook that we can sort through our issues and get back on track but since she can't feel positivity in herself she cuts me down for feeling in an attempt to level the playing field. I've been trying to change negative thoughts for 3 years but it seems to finally feeling like a fruitless effort, and I can't find a positive attitude to fix things between us within me anymore, it along with the spark of our relationship is gone. I've been trying for 3 months to restore the spark but she keeps pushing me further away or doing something to put a huge roadblock in front me. She says she wants it to work out, but her actions say other wise. I have no idea what to feel or think anymore, the choice has been put to me as either get married with no emotional connection between us to keep up the outside image that things are fine in hopes that one day before my daughter turns 18 we can work things out or we call everything off and break up the family.

Just shoot me now.

Oof. I have been through this before. The early years of having kids is so so hard. If your lady is really depressed or even just struggling with having a little one, she may be relying on you more than is fair.

Is it possible for her to see someone for depression/anxiety/etc? Sometimes two people aren't good for each other, but from experience, when you have small kids, that has very little to do with it. It is just fucking hard to raise a family. For me, it helped to get a job. I don't like being home with kids all day. It wasn't healthy for me and I relied on other people to fix things in my life that were my problems to fix.

But if it has been years and years and you guys still can't find a way to be together without it hurting you, maybe you have a choice to make. I am sorry either way. Being a grown up is hard.

Ancient Astronaught wrote:she cuts me down for feeling in an attempt to level the playing field. I've been trying to change negative thoughts for 3 years but it seems to finally feeling like a fruitless effort ..

very sorry for this.
sending good vibes.
and.
sometimes .. one small. positive change > can lead to more Positive change.

aens_wife wrote:Oof. I have been through this before. The early years of having kids is so so hard. If your lady is really depressed or even just struggling with having a little one, she may be relying on you more than is fair.

Is it possible for her to see someone for depression/anxiety/etc? Sometimes two people aren't good for each other, but from experience, when you have small kids, that has very little to do with it. It is just fucking hard to raise a family. For me, it helped to get a job. I don't like being home with kids all day. It wasn't healthy for me and I relied on other people to fix things in my life that were my problems to fix.

But if it has been years and years and you guys still can't find a way to be together without it hurting you, maybe you have a choice to make. I am sorry either way. Being a grown up is hard.

It is really hard but this isn't her first rodeo, she has 2 older kids as well (7 and 6). She is suffering from extreme depression and is diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, and she does rely on me more than is fair but I also knew that going into it so I don't hold that against her.

Yes and no. She's got a slew of past emotional trauma and has been going to psyche's since she was 6 but she stopped going really when she was 20 and decided that none of the meds work and it was a pointless effort. She technically has a job she watches 2 kids before and after school for a fellow school parent friend but I've been pushing her to get a real job so that she gets away from the stress of the family and can do something for herself. Her reaction? "That's not a good idea because then I will see other guys and I know me I will want to cheat on you left and right if I'm allowed out in public unattended with our relationship it is the way it is right now". What. The. Fuck. How can I respond to that?? If she stays home shes depressed and withdrawn and if she goes out her first thought is to cheat on me. But overall it does sound like she's currently in the situation you were in with not wanting to be around kids all day (or at all) and asking me to fix problems in her life that only she has control over. But me being who I am wants to do everything I can to make her happy and satisfied so I do try and do things that will help her out, but alas its still to no avail.

It's been three years (a month after my daughter was conceived) since things started going down hill but its only been the last three months that its really taken a dive. The having to make a choice has never been closer, and I hate it, but the only thing holding me back honestly; is my daughter. If I couldn't see her every day, hear her tiny lil voice say "Hey Boo" with out stretched arms when I walk in the door, or have her need that 10:30pm snuggle because a thunderstorm came through, I couldnt live with myself. Which in turn causes me guilt because I've come to realize I care far more for my daughter than I do her mom, and that guilt eats me alive as well. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

Sparrow wrote:

Ancient Astronaught wrote:she cuts me down for feeling in an attempt to level the playing field. I've been trying to change negative thoughts for 3 years but it seems to finally feeling like a fruitless effort ..

very sorry for this.
sending good vibes.
and.
sometimes .. one small. positive change > can lead to more Positive change.

Thank you.

Ancient Astronaught wrote:

Sparrow wrote:

Ancient Astronaught wrote:she cuts me down for feeling in an attempt to level the playing field. I've been trying to change negative thoughts for 3 years but it seems to finally feeling like a fruitless effort ..

very sorry for this.
sending good vibes.
and.
sometimes .. one small. positive change > can lead to more Positive change.

Thank you.

for Realz.

Ancient Astronaught wrote:It is really hard but this isn't her first rodeo, she has 2 older kids as well (7 and 6). She is suffering from extreme depression and is diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, and she does rely on me more than is fair but I also knew that going into it so I don't hold that against her.

Yes and no. She's got a slew of past emotional trauma and has been going to psyche's since she was 6 but she stopped going really when she was 20 and decided that none of the meds work and it was a pointless effort. She technically has a job she watches 2 kids before and after school for a fellow school parent friend but I've been pushing her to get a real job so that she gets away from the stress of the family and can do something for herself. Her reaction? "That's not a good idea because then I will see other guys and I know me I will want to cheat on you left and right if I'm allowed out in public unattended with our relationship it is the way it is right now". What. The. Fuck. How can I respond to that?? If she stays home shes depressed and withdrawn and if she goes out her first thought is to cheat on me. But overall it does sound like she's currently in the situation you were in with not wanting to be around kids all day (or at all) and asking me to fix problems in her life that only she has control over. But me being who I am wants to do everything I can to make her happy and satisfied so I do try and do things that will help her out, but alas its still to no avail.

It's been three years (a month after my daughter was conceived) since things started going down hill but its only been the last three months that its really taken a dive. The having to make a choice has never been closer, and I hate it, but the only thing holding me back honestly; is my daughter. If I couldn't see her every day, hear her tiny lil voice say "Hey Boo" with out stretched arms when I walk in the door, or have her need that 10:30pm snuggle because a thunderstorm came through, I couldnt live with myself. Which in turn causes me guilt because I've come to realize I care far more for my daughter than I do her mom, and that guilt eats me alive as well. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

Well shit. That is considerably more than I have had to deal with, but I think that it is really important to view your needs as healthy boundaries and not to feel guilty about it (I know that is hard to do). For example, I love my husband dearly, but I will always protect my kids first. So would he. That isn't something to feel guilty about.

Also, you get to teach your kid about relationships and positivity and all those life skills you are struggling with right now. If your lady can't leave the house without jumping another dude, that is bigger than you can fix, man. You can't solve that level of need. You can encourage her to get some help. You can hug her when she needs it. You can support her some. But when you are suffering because of her needs, something has to give. I can't tell you what that is, but I wouldn't want to keep on in that situation.

So much love headed your way.

I mean if Devi is looking for something to do she could maybe try babysitting?

(too soon?)

D.o.S. wrote:I mean if Devi is looking for something to do she could maybe try babysitting?

(too soon?)

Never too soon. But that is a scary as fuck thought.

aens_wife wrote:Well shit. That is considerably more than I have had to deal with, but I think that it is really important to view your needs as healthy boundaries and not to feel guilty about it (I know that is hard to do). For example, I love my husband dearly, but I will always protect my kids first. So would he. That isn't something to feel guilty about.

Also, you get to teach your kid about relationships and positivity and all those life skills you are struggling with right now. If your lady can't leave the house without jumping another dude, that is bigger than you can fix, man. You can't solve that level of need. You can encourage her to get some help. You can hug her when she needs it. You can support her some. But when you are suffering because of her needs, something has to give. I can't tell you what that is, but I wouldn't want to keep on in that situation.

So much love headed your way.

Yeah its a pretty healthy dose of damn wtf... I don't typically feel guilty for that feeling but after what shes said to me regarding the subject I can't help but feel guilty.

That's exactly why I'm fighting to stay together, they need to see a stable and emotionally beneficial foundation from which they can grow and if we separate they will not have that. I'm aware that its something I can't fix but she flips it around on me and says that since I'm not the perfect man all the time or able to completely change my demeanor and thought process instantly to what she wants then shes not interested in me, at which point I feel its unreasonable to ask someone for that but I try for the sake of the kids. I do support and hug her when she needs it but apparently it goes much farther then that, mainly emotionally. I know that something needs to give, and we both know its what we want but neither of us can do it to the kids so we feel stuck. To put the cherry on top of everything were in the middle of planning out wedding in September and because of the fighting we're now three months behind in the process, so yay even more stress!

Thank you very much.

Not that I am the perfect example, but for what it's worth, I am glad my parents split. They were much better parents apart than they were together.

I feel like you can provide a very stable foundation without staying together. If you ever need to vent, feel free to send a pm. I know how hard it can be if you feel like you don't have anyone safe to talk to.

aens_wife wrote:Not that I am the perfect example, but for what it's worth, I am glad my parents split. They were much better parents apart than they were together.

I feel like you can provide a very stable foundation without staying together. If you ever need to vent, feel free to send a pm. I know how hard it can be if you feel like you don't have anyone safe to talk to.

Thank you.

If the need arises I will definitely hit you up.

Anybody else every have a problem with paypal where you authorize a payment but it gets refunded the same day. They take the money out of your card the next day and have a refund sit there without it credited to your account? What the hell? All my money is floating somewhere around.

Exam in the morning. Going to derp hard. My own fault for being lazy, but it still sucks.

Astro, well wishes your way man - you're fucking awesome and I'm really sorry you're having such a shit time right now.

Dude, towards the end of my parents' divorce (which involved my mother cheating and a whole bunch of other crazy shit) my dad lost his shit and a lot of violent stuff happened. My dad actually considered doing the whole murder suicide family thing, until he threw out his gun. Point is, sometimes people just cannot be together, and staying together for the kids isn't the best option.