The spite, hate, rage, apathy and mild irritation thread...

[BitchPudding]

Nah, i get where your coming from. Sorry about the work thing. Idk why i went there ether.

Ther are house chores that i have set and do, thats cool.

As far as her time, she doesnt really have anything. Ive asked her about it before if she has anything she wants to have time for, and she alwys says theres nothing. Which worries me a little.

Theres gotta be something more to whats upsetting her that im missing.

[aens_wife]

If the chores aren't even, including who makes doc appointments, car repairs, bill paying, etc, then the resentment will continue. It doesn't really matter if you do the current list of chores, if it is really unfair, ya know?

I know that, for me, I couldn't even think about what I might want to do because I was too busy keeping everything steady with kids and home stuff. It took me a long time to figure out what I enjoyed anymore. What was she into when she was a kid? Did she have hobbies/interests?

Personally, I get really upset at thinking about the things I gave up to have kids/home. I was a really good musician and I basically gave that up. It has been hard to get back to it 15 years later. Same with writing (though at a much lower level). I think there is a natural cycle when your kids are little to give them everything and, for women, sometimes that ends with us having very little for ourselves when they start to grow up. I don't know many men who give up the same things.

Just my two cents... I'd be patient with her, try to get at what she might want/need now, and do more with kids and house or she won't feel able to take anything else for herself.

[BitchPudding]

I'll try. Thank you, for real. Its good to get insight on this from a different perspective.

[friendship]

Vipassana? I had an ex who did that for 30 days or so, she was really calm for about a week after coming home and then went straight back to how she was before. I think when you come home from a place like that you have to start dedicating time to meditating and making fairly drastic changes to your lifestyle to actually see a lasting effect.

Yeah, I was thinking much longer, like a year at least, and hopefully not return from it. I don't really want to participate in the society I live in and they way they describe the monastic life there, it sounds like as close to a perfect way to live as I can imagine. The place I was looking into has you do a month before committing to a year, but it would really come down to whether or not they would waive their normal residency fee (which they say they do often), since I would have to quit work.

You must realise that you ARE the zen monastery. *insert floaty, rotatey guy smilie*

I can't remember if I've posted this before, but here you go.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnLoToJVQH4[/youtube]

That's a good talk. Thanks.

[neonblack]

Hey thanks for all the positive words everyone. In true manic depressive fashion I'm feeling pretty good today.

Except that I've banged the same knee in the same spot 3 times in the last 3 days. Once on a corner at my house, once on my coffee table, and today on the dumpster at work. I actually had to stop and compose myself after the one today. There were tears of pain

[Dandolin]

sympathies. wouldn't it be great if the universe was actually trying to tell us something useful with that type of thing and we could actually figure out what the message was? here's to successfully communicating to the bastard to knock that shit off....

[Jwar]

Yesterday I had a panic attack for 3 hours straight because I have shitty tenants who I don't want to deal with anymore and I actually decided to sell the property they live in (it's not about them though). I could not control the anxiety either. Ridiculous. I didn't want to see them or talk to them and I got to this boiling over point where I just couldn't function.

It doesn't help that I'm withdrawing from benozs right now. I caved yesterday after being away from them for 5 fucking days and took some.

I don't know what to do. The withdraw is horrible. I tapered that shit down for so fucking long and it's been the worst thing ever.

I'm actually debating using edibles (even though it would possibly put me at risk of relapsing) just to fight the goddamn tremors and brain zaps.

[neonblack]

I dunno man, edibles might be a good idea. It doesn't feel like you're "doing drugs" so maybe it won't tickle that part of your brain that wants to do other stuff.

[Olin]

Getting off benzo's is a really, really hard thing to do and takes an extremely long time to properly, especially if you don't have any proper support for it.
Distraction has been the most useful thing for me in the past with that, just finding something to chip away at all the time, even if you don't enjoy it it pretty good. Great time to start some huge DIY projects or plan a concept album lol.

[dubkitty]

i've had to kick benzos twice, and god was it ever miserable. it took weeks before i felt normal again. the good news is that eventually you get better. hang in there.

[BitchPudding]

Like neon said, edibles are pretty low key as far as drugs go. Im a pretty firm believer in the healing powers of weed myself.

That being said, you know yourself better than we do. Go with your gut and please be careful. If you need to talk to someone, don;t hesitate to reach out.

We got your back JWAR.

[aens_wife]

JWAR, you can pm me anytime. Honestly. Vent to me all you want.

I know weed can be healing for some, but it can really fuck some people up too.

My dad went through opioid withdrawals last year (its complicated, but he's a vet with severe chronic pain) and it was ugly. I think it helped him some to know that it was gonna be 3 weeks of hell and then it starts to clear a bit. I am really sorry you have to go through this.

[Jwar]

JWAR, you can pm me anytime. Honestly. Vent to me all you want.

I know weed can be healing for some, but it can really fuck some people up too.

My dad went through opioid withdrawals last year (its complicated, but he's a vet with severe chronic pain) and it was ugly. I think it helped him some to know that it was gonna be 3 weeks of hell and then it starts to clear a bit. I am really sorry you have to go through this.

Thanks for the support Louise. I really appreciate it and I may take you up on that venting.

I've been through it before but the last time was when I was in rehab (almost 9 years ago). The weed for sure can do one or the other. I've experienced it both ways. I know my psychologist would not want me to do that and would consider it relapsing, but I don't know if I agree with him on that or if I'm just lying to myself to justify it. It's a hard situation.

I've been taking Valerian root to fight the side effects and it has helped a lot. However, it recently has not been helping as much and it's also an herb that mess with the gaba receptors much like klonopin, so I'm not real sure it's wise. Though, I need something to help, and they typically taper you down with another benzo, so I don't see the issue I guess. I dunno.

The worst thing for me is that I am the type of person who simply does not have a stopping mechanism. I will do things until they are to the point of destroying me. If I get obsessed with something, it's game on. Take guitar pedals for instance. I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of money I've spent on them in the last 6-7 years. It's an unfathomable amount. One that has yielded a hurtful outcome for my family. However, my brain does not acknowledge this usually until it's too late. The same applies to drugs. If I try to take something to help with symptom X, I'll end up taking it for that symptom but also for anything else I can justify even if that symptom disappears. I am the type of person who can become addict to literally anything. Weed, acid, opiates, benzos, kava, kratom, alcohol...you name it and I've probably had an addiction problem with it. Hell I used to abuse Tylenol. Who the fuck does that?? It's horrible this illness or mental torment I live with. I don't understand it at all.

I often times feel like I'm being a baby, but then I simply cannot control my emotions. I will want to numb my CNS anyway I can so that I cannot feel as much. I feel so much more than I can bear. My emotions are so in touch that my heart aches and I get overwhelmed and want to curl up in a ball and die.

Right now, I feel ok. I'm sick and so is the rest of my family but I'm ok. The withdraw is going to be awful, I know it, but I will keep fighting.

Thank you all for your support now and through out the years. This community is something that has really changed my outlook on life even when I'm struggling.

[aens_wife]

I totally feel you. I have a few very unhealthy coping mechanisms that are just second nature to me now (started them all in my early teens). It takes a lot of effort to be on guard for it and not let myself fall into those patterns. For me, it is smoking, drinking, and I usually stop eating for the most part. I don't even think about it. It just happens. Something shitty happens and all of a sudden I have a pack of cigs and I haven't eaten all day.

But part of healing is to recognize our patterns and make efforts (big or small, depending on where you are at) to fix things.

I am also a terribly sensitive person and I absolutely understand the need to block some of those feelings. A lot of my current depression/struggle/whatever is dealing with the constant onslaught of negative news and tragedy. It overwhelms me to the point where I cannot function. No solutions here, just commiseration.

[Eivind August]

All the best to you, Jwar!